The Changing 20s

            Well first of all, I’d love nothing more than to take full credit for this but I can’t. I found this online and it has hit the nerves of every emotion I’ve been feeling for the past 6 months. I have it saved as my desktop picture so that I’ll see it every time that I use my computer. I really hope that even some small part of it will resonate with you in someway. I’ve altered it a little bit to fit my own personal life, so as you read it try and do the same.

I am blessed with really beautiful friendships. Vivid memories of laughter, adventures, and long talks where we share our dreams and fears are sprinkled generously throughout my memory. As a highly relational person, friendships and community make me into the fullest version of myself. Without them, I struggle.

Over the last few years, my friends and I have been on quite the rollercoaster ride. After college, we have gradually all went in different directions. New cities, new jobs, new relationships-our lives have drastically changed. Within just a few months I was immobilized with fear and worry about whether or not my friendships would survive.

Though it’s been a little over a year since all of these changes started happening and our initial parting, the fear over the survival of my friendships is something I am still contending with. I shared some of this with a friend this morning, and as I complained about how my friendships were being separated and severed by distance and change, I realized that change is the very thing that defines our 20s. There is no escaping it.

We leave our parent’s homes, go off to college, get adult jobs, move across the country (or the world), get married, have children, but homes, start businesses. All more or less in one decade. Expecting friendships to stay the same when we are changing personally in huge, transformational way is completely unreasonable.

Friendships can and will change in this time of our lives. Knowing this, though, doesn’t make it more comfortable or less challenging. It is unsettling and sad when a friendship starts to pull apart at the seams and drift away. We can feel confused, wonder what we did wrong, or get angry and bitter at the seeming lack of commitment.

Despite the challenge, it is possible to maintain friendships as we change and grow, and to piece them back together from the wreckage, if that is the case. And even though it is hard, it is possible to go your separate ways with grace and kindness.

            Here are a few tips:

1.    Make the Effort

When friends move away, get new jobs, get married, have kids – all of the changes can be really overwhelming, especially if you haven’t experienced them yourself. Try to understand what life is like for them by asking lots of questions. Commit to calling them once or twice a week, and maybe set up a time that works for both of you to get together for coffee, or if you’re apart, to “hang out” on the phone or via Skype. Send thoughtful cards or goofy texts to brighten their day. If the friendship is really important to you, commit yourself to riding out the changes. Even if you aren’t going through the same thing that they are, it will be helpful to have them around when you do. If it feels like you’re the only one making the effort, see #2.

2.    Ask for and Share the Truth

If you aren’t sure why your friendships are faltering, ask your friend for an explanation. Leave room for grace. The answer may trouble you or upset you, but knowing the truth is the only way to move forward. Friendships must be built on authenticity. In the same way, if someone asks you why you have been distant, be honest. You are honoring the friendship you’ve built by sharing your concerns with them. If you both approach the situation with grace and hope, you have a better chance of working it out.

3.    Be Generous with Grace and Respect

When friends are drifting away, be sure to give them a lot of grace and respect. You are not the only one whose life is changing in big ways. We are all trying to figure out how to navigate the unknown, and we’re doing the best we can. Grace, whether it is in an argument or a period of silence, might just save your friendship in the long run. When someone is experiencing a lot of change, knowing that they are able to make mistakes, ask the hard questions in a safe place, and be respected for their decisions will make them more apt to want to be and remain your friend.

4.    Have Hope for the Future

If a friendship is fizzling our, despite your efforts, place your hope in the future. New friendships are ahead of just waiting to be discovered. To make new friends, try taking a class in a subject that you really enjoy. You’ll be around people who share your interests, and are most likely looking to meet new people.

            And you never know, you might reconnect in five, ten, twenty years, and will be grateful that the grace and authenticity you gave them all those years ago served as the kindling to restart things. Friendships await you everywhere!