Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.

Dear Tuesday, another week already. These are seriously flying by right now, right? Thanks for always allowing me to talk your ear off. Love ya.

Dear Boone, thank you for letting me go. I never really thought that I would be thankful for that but as of today, I am. Going back to visit you this weekend was so weird, and made me realize that I’ve fallen out of love with you. The breakup was the most painful for me, but in the end we both seem to have handled it well. We really are better off with other people. Things there that used to take my breath away just didn’t do it for me anymore. It wasn’t painful but it was a weird feeling to visit somewhere that I thought would be my home forever. Thank you for understanding that I needed these 3 months to get over you (I might have even needed a little longer…). I sat in my favorite chair at my favorite place this weekend (the sawmill) and ALMOST felt myself falling back in love with you all over again. I hate to admit that. And it just makes me want to cry. And now I am. I’m trying to fight back the tears so they go unnoticed but I’m failing. It’s painful but I know that it’s for the best. I really do. But leaving made it almost feel like I was doing it all over again for the first time. I hate that I saw people that I didn’t care to see, and missed seeing people that I really felt like I needed to spend some time with. It’s breaking my heart. All weekend I was inwardly complaining about you and how awkward it was, but there I was Sunday at 5pm in tears over you. I guess that’s how I’ll be when I visit lots of places again after leaving pieces of my heart there. I just have to keep asking myself if it will ever get easier. After rereading all of that I realize that I probably only make sense to myself. To put it “simply”: I was surprised to not have missed some things and that makes me emotional, and that in turn makes me miss the things that I do even more. It was crazy to see how much I’ve changed in a short amount of time, it surprised me more than anything. Bottom line: I’m overly emotional about you.

Dear Sawmill house, you are 90% of the reason that I love Boone the way that I do. I don’t know how to tell you how thankful I am for your couch, comfy chair, little cereal bowls, best cat in the world, and even creepy things that go thump in the night. Thanks for being a great sounding board listener with awesome advice. I hope you know how much our little talks mean to me. And for some reason I always tend to be within your walls when I feel the need to let my defenses down and cry lately. Thanks for not judging me. And if you think I’m crazy, thanks for letting me get it all out anyways. You make leaving Boone so difficult, hence the extra night. The bonus day was exactly what I needed and I suspect you would say the same. There’s nowhere that I would have wanted to be yesterday.

“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”

                                                 Elizabeth Foley

This quote describes our friendship so beautifully. Thank you for just understanding me. Thank you for being my home away from home. #mablerocks

            Dear apt P, last night was the most beautiful start to wonderful friendship. “Detoxing” there was just what I needed. Who knew that leaving Boone 3 months later would bring back some of the same feelings I had when originally moving? You did of course. Having a night full of laughter, tears, and Jesus was exactly what I needed and I suspect that it was just as good for all of us. I can see that that was going to be the first of many nights like that, and I couldn’t be more excited!

           

Dear Papa Jesus, you know my heart better than anyone. I cannot thank you enough for protecting me from my own desires. I love how you revealed to the doctor that I have a larger call on my life than to be a receptionist at an amazing office. That was something that I think I knew deep down already but it took a near stranger saying it to really get it to sink in. Thank you for working in unexpected ways. Thank you for removing me from a situation that was going to keep me from my purpose. I can definitely see how easily I would have fallen in love with working there and then it would have been hard to leave and pursue what You’re calling me to. And then I’m looking down the barrel at another situation similar to my Boone “breakup”. And I’m being real when I say that I can only handle one breakup at a time. Thank you for blessing me with a great network of friends down here that share so many of the same thoughts and feelings that I do. Thank you for reminding me of that last night. It’s so easy for me to sit and think that I’m all alone and no one could possibly understand these crazy thoughts and feelings after a weekend like I just had. Thank you for those who walked before me that are making my walk easier. Thank you for allowing me to grow in ways that won’t just help me, but will help others as well. Thank you for revealing a new cause that has apparently always been dear to my heart. Thank you for being patient as I realized it for myself. My heart is too big to just be focused on Kernersville, and orphans. Thank you for breaking my heart for women and children that are being trafficked all over the world. Not just in foreign countries but right here in my backyard. Yes triad area, I’m looking at you, and I want to stamp this out. I take that back. Stamping it out would imply that I want to crush it. That’s just not enough. I want to dig down to the root and completely destroy it from there. I’m so disgusted right now. Seriously thank you for that. Thank you for loving me through my crazy emotions that I sometimes tend to let get the best of me. You’re seriously the best, I fall more in love with you everyday.

Tuesday, well it’s almost time for me to witness a proposal in this Starbucks so I’m glad this has wrapped up so nicely. With much less tears than it started. Thanks for always being here for me, in this corner booth. Here are some pics from my weekend, since you couldn't make it. It’s a wrap! 

Thankful Tuesday

Dear Tuesday, it’s that time of the week again. I’m so glad that I’ve been allowed to spend this time together again. Sometimes I tend to forget to be thankful for just that, being alive for another week. Well….let’s get down to business.

Dear Kaity-Roo, you inspire me. There are a million ways that I could say that but it’s just that simple. I’m so envious (not in a bad way) of the life you live. You are a world changer. The work you do IJM and now while you’re in Nepal is incredible and continues to raise more awareness everyday. I for one know that without you I would know a lot less about human trafficking. Your stance on that has changed my life. I wish that more people had a joy for life like you do. I’ve never met anyone that is just as continuously happy as you. Never stop being that way. The world needs more Kaity Ruhlands.

Dear Alli, you’re my first repeat but it’s much deserved this week. YOU”RE ENGAGED. Just let that sink in for a minute. David is one heck of a lucky guy and I couldn’t be happier for the both of you. I know that it has been a long time coming, and you’ve waited for what seems like forever for him to slide that ring (rock!) on your finger. I hope that through the past season of dating (and waiting) you’ve been able to learn things about yourself, David, and the two of you as a couple. Obviously I can’t give you any advice on this next season, but’s it’s clear to me that I’m still called to do life with you through it. Don’t go getting all bridezilla on anybody though. Nobody wants to see THAT girl haha. But seriously, I’m so excited for everything that this season of engagement will bring you. When I think about the word “engage” I think of something starting, “you engage an engine…” or having made plans. You and David have now made a plan. That ring tells the whole world that someone has set you aside for themselves, and that you have agreed to “engage” in this new adventure with him. I pray that this engagement will bless you both, but even more, I pray that this engagement will bless The Lord. And I already know that it will. You’re awesome. And we both know that David is awesome because you’d settle for nothing less. So happy for you both!

Dear Jesus, wow. You’re really incredible. Thank you for pushing on me to read “The Circle Maker”. It has forever changed the way that I pray. Sometimes in ways that are expected and sometimes it’s the most pleasant surprise. When you woke me up at 4:46am Monday morning I have to admit I was confused because I didn’t have to go to the bathroom, and I didn’t need anything to drink. What most people don’t know is that I DID have an interview in almost 8 hours. This was an interview that you knew that I was nervous about. Group interviews are by no means easy. But at 4:45 Monday morning you gently whispered to me to begin to pray for the interview. Not just for my part in it but for the company giving the interview and everyone else that was invited. That last one was a little hard to do though because you wanted me to pray for other people that were trying to get the same position as me. I did it anyway. I’m learning to put more and more trust in You, the one who will never let me walk alone. To say that I felt Your presence in that interview room would be an understatement. I had to constantly remind myself not to laugh at how things he was saying were lining up EXACTLY with things You had me pray for. Even down to specific words, servant. Yes that was the first thing that caught my attention and it took me by so much surprise that I’m afraid to admit that I may have attempted to suppress a giggle. You just amaze me with the way that You let that one word change the course of everything that I had prepared to say. And getting the phone call late last night saying that I made it to round two…wow I can’t even begin to tell you how good that feels. Not just physically but spiritually. You had given me a promise and after circling it in intense prayer all morning, and then some somewhat more stressful afternoon and evening prayer until my phone rang at 8:46 (yes try and tell me that’s not Your doing with it coming down to that exact minute), that prayer was answered. Thank you for your crazy ways of getting my attention. I’m learning to embrace them more daily. Thank you for covering every word that I said in the interview with Your love and grace. Thank you for pushing me past my fear of public speaking yesterday. Thank you for quite literally almost letting this job fall right into my lap. Thank you for giving me an unquenchable thirst for You. Thank you for being the one constant in a world where everything is changing. Thank you for surrounding me with the best family and friends that I can ask for. They are all people that I know want the best for me. Through this transition of moving only You know how important REAL relationships were for me. Thank you for them, You know them all so there’s no need to name drop here. Thank you for giving me the desires that You have, and for the desires that You haven’t allowed to be revealed yet. I love you beyond words, Jesus.

Tuesday, three weeks in and this just gets easier and easier. Thanks for being my favorite day of the week!

Tuesday...we meet again

Dear Tuesday, As I sit here in what has become “my spot” in the coffee shop, in a town that is slowly starting to feel more like home (or at least I’m starting to finally embrace it as such), I’m amazed at how after only a week I’ve grown to love you. I’ve looked forward to meeting you here for 7 days now. I’ve thought so much about what to tell you and I know that more will come the longer I type but I only have this thus far: I found out the hard way this week that I’m not allergic to bees. Can’t believe that it took me 25 years, 10 months, and 12 days to figure that out, but I’m thankful nonetheless.

Dear Laura, I’ve prayed and prayed about what to say to you this week. I’m certain that The Lord is going to do the same thing for you that He’s done for me and for so many others that have blazed the trail before us. Enjoy the last week and a half that you have in Boone. Spend as much time with the people there that love, support, and pray for you. Go out of your way to. Push yourself when you’re tired to stay up a little bit later, and then to get up a little earlier. I want you to see as much of that sweet town as possible. Take pictures, journal, just sit and soak it all in. I wish that I had done all of these things. You will never see Boone the same way once you begin your drive down to your new home on the farm. That may sound harsh but I promise you that I mean it in the best way. The season you’re about to enter is going to be the greatest one yet for you. When I first moved I heard The Lord continue to whisper “refinement” to me, and I know that this will also be a season of refinement for you. Embrace that. Embrace the occasional isolated feeling that you’ll get. Embrace the time you’re going to get to spend with your Father and your father. You have so much to learn from both of them. You’re beautiful in ways that few people are anymore. Classy. Loving. Open. Honest. Trustworthy. Pliable. I could go on and on about all of the qualities that I and so many others notice and love about you but let’s be real, it would embarrass you just as it would me if the roles were reversed haha. So I’ll stop for now and just end this by saying that I love you and that I’m glad that we get to experience this next season together.

Dear Anna, a month. That’s how long we went without sitting down to talk. A month seems like so long but for some reason when we met up yesterday it was as if no time had passed. The more we talked the more we realized that we have both changed more than we realized in the past month. I love you so much for giving me the space that I didn’t want or didn’t think that I needed to ask for The Lord’s opinion instead of using you as my safety net. I wouldn’t be where I am today without that. There is something rare about our friendship. I’ve never had a conversation with you that I didn’t feel that the Holy Spirit was leading. He’s gently led me to the most amazing realizations during and after conversations with you. I’m encouraged to “follow in your footsteps” in this new and mysterious season. Thank you for being a much needed guide to me and everyone else J. I still can’t stop thinking about those 9 beautiful kids whose lives you changed last week. They are going to be the ones that will change their classes, schools, families, the community, and eventually the world. That is your calling. Your testimony is not just limited to teenagers and adults but it can begin to transform kids of ages that you would never think to understand what you’ve been through. Keep pushing through, because you’re one of the trail blazers/guides that the rest of us need. I look up to you in a way that I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. You’re the older sister that I never got biologically. I love you friend.

Dear Abba Father, wow. You’re seriously so good. So unbelievably good to me. Provision. That’s what You keep telling me and I couldn’t ask for me. During this time of unemployment, part-time employment, and job searching you’ve been so undeservingly faithful to me. You’ve never let me go without in the 3 months of transition. You’re goodness just overwhelms me in the funniest of places. Even now I’m fighting back the tears in Starbucks. I choose to value Your plan, Your calling, and Your love over everything else. EVERYTHING. “It’s not pride to say about me what You said about me.” I need to start speaking more highly of myself. Thank you for showing me that through P. If I stay in line with Your word then everything that I speak has got to come to pass! Thank you for giving me dominion over the things that you’ve given all humanity dominion over, and thank you for the specific things that you’ve given me dominion over. Thank you for planning out every detail of my life. I’m 100% dependent on You. Without You I am powerless and weak. To put it simply, I need You. All the time, every moment of everyday. I thank You for every test of my faith. It has helped to develop my perseverance that I need to be mature and complete as You intended for me when I was created. I know that you know all the things that break my heart, I know that they broke Your heart long before I was aware. And I know that they break Your heart even more. Thank you for letting me see even a glimpse of that pain. It’s created such a hunger and desire in me. It doesn’t matter that Satan wants to destroy people that I love and that He doesn’t want the world to cry out to you. But that doesn’t matter because those people will know you and the world will all love You as I do one day, regardless of what he thinks. The devil wants children to be living on the streets, not knowing where they will sleep, what they eat or what they will have to do to survive another day. But I know that You never created too many children and not enough people to watch after them. More than that though, I realize that You never really called us to save the world, not even to save one person; that is Your job. You’ve just called us to love with abandon. And that is just what I need to remind myself whenever I struggle with a certain number on my “quit list” cough#15cough. Perfect timing yet again Jesus. Only You could line things up like You do. Thank you for Your perfect timing. I love You with everything that I am and everything that I hope to be.

Tuesday, I realize that I got a little gushy on you today. Thank you for listening anyway and thank you for always lending me your ear (or in this case the blank canvas that this letter started on). You’ll never know how much I appreciate that. Until next week. #twofingers

Dear Tuesday

So I’ve decided to take a page out of my bestie’s book and blog more. Thanks for any and all inspiration P. However I choose to write to Tuesday, the most overlooked day of the week (in my opinion). J

Dear Tuesday, I want to start by saying how amused I am right now. Sometimes I think I’m a little crazy, but who says that’s a bad thing? I’m sitting in a coffee shop and I’m wearing a top that I got in India. I wear this because a piece of my heart was left there last summer, and I wear it in hopes of returning to visit but to never bring back here with me. I hope to one day have my heart broken so many times that pieces of it are in more places and people then I can name.

Dear Mama and Daddy, I don’t even know how to thank you for all the support and prayers for the past…well I would say 25 years but I know that it started long before that and long before I was born. I love that I was raised in such a God-loving family. But even more than that I love that I was given the choice to fall in love with Him for myself. That is honestly the best gift that you could have ever given me. If more people had parents like mine the world would truly be a better place.

Dear Pangshua, your friendship has been the sweetest surprise during this season. Like you, before moving I began praying for friends to fall into place. Friends that would encourage, pray and push on me. You have without a doubt been one of those for me. Our spirits have been aligned in a way that only God could be capable of. This season is such an exciting one for you, less than 2 months to becoming Mrs. Joshua Riley!! I’m so blessed to be connected to you and to be able to learn from you. And knowing that we’re going to “do life” together is the best feeling. “PROVISION” P.S. We’ve got babies to save and love all over the world!!

Dear Alli (my nicest friend haha), as you’re winding down from this life-changing trip to Honduras I ask that you not let that fire go out. It’s so easy to fall back into your comfortable routine and only think occasionally of those lives that you’ve forever changed (I know because I’m guilty of it myself). Go into your prayer closet, worship, and thank God for that opportunity and for the next one (yes there most definitely will be more!). You are a WORLD CHANGER. You inspire me in ways that I don’t even know how to express. You are one of the most genuine people that I know. You’re such a powerful prayer warrior. How you are able to spend your days with middle school kids and still love them is beyond me. That’s some serious grace right there, a grace that few people have. Your students are lucky to have you, and I think that if more people had had middle school teachers like you they wouldn’t talk about middle school with such disgust. Keep enjoying the rest before the madness known as August comes again. You’re hilarious. I’ve yet to find another friend that I can talk, laugh, cry, and even sit in silence with as well as I can with you. Distance or time apart (3 months?!) has yet to diminish our friendship and for that I’m thankful.

Dear Jesus, Coming into this season I knew that it would be painful. A season full of stretching and growth. A season of learning. A season of solitude. All of that I expected. However what I didn’t expect was how immediate it would be. I never expected that “quitting Boone” would be a “cold-turkey” kind of thing. Even now I’m finding it difficult to write out my exact feelings (as if you don’t already know). Lonely is the best word to use and I feel selfish and like a baby for even thinking it. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m called to be greater than that, and greater than where I am now. I know that it’s just the devil telling me that I’m alone and that I’m not truly that way. My flesh wants pity but my spirit knows better. So please don’t take pity on me because I’m far from lonely. If Jacob can continue to wrestle you with a broken hip to get his blessing from You, then certainly I can hold on during my “pain”. Just being transparent J. On a different note. Everyday I’m more and more amazed at your goodness. You have such a funny way of connecting the dots of my life. Thank you for waging a war for my soul. Thank you for telling me over and over that I’m worth it. Thank you for always running to meet me where I am. Thank you for continually forgiving me for the same silly sins. Thank you for the dreams and desires that you’ve given me. Thank you for already providing for all of them. Thank you for understanding my jumbled prayers. Thank you for reminding me everyday that NOTHING that I do can separate me from Your love. Thank you pursuing me. Thank you for teaching me how to be pursued. Thank you for knowing what I need before I say it. Thank you for knowing what I need before I even know myself. Thank you for gently helping me to set aside my own dreams for those You have for me, knowing that they are greater than mine. Jesus, I’m hopelessly in love with you. You are the true love of my life.

Tuesday I will do my best to talk to you again next week. Hopefully with each passing week this will get easier and easier. I love you, Tuesday even if I’m the only one J.

Quit List

I don't know that there is a need to explain this post, however I will anyway. The following is a list of things that I have let control me. It is a list of things that I am vowing to "quit". This is a personal list but I feel the need to post it for you to read because I would love your accountability. Whether it be verbally or through prayer, it is appreciated.

Quit List

Compulsive Facebook/Twitter

Treating my body like crap

Thinking I'm above others

Hiding my "guilty" pleasures

Non-personal blogging

Waiting for others to reach out first

Doubting myself/my calling

Gossip

Pity Parties

Saying "someday

The need to be in control

Overvaluing money

Trying to impress others

Attempting to find my hubs (ouch)

Thinking I can save people who simply need the Savior 

Doubting the power of my prayers

Trying to figure out my future alone