Thankful Tuesday

Dear Tuesday, it’s that time of the week again. I’m so glad that I’ve been allowed to spend this time together again. Sometimes I tend to forget to be thankful for just that, being alive for another week. Well….let’s get down to business.

Dear Kaity-Roo, you inspire me. There are a million ways that I could say that but it’s just that simple. I’m so envious (not in a bad way) of the life you live. You are a world changer. The work you do IJM and now while you’re in Nepal is incredible and continues to raise more awareness everyday. I for one know that without you I would know a lot less about human trafficking. Your stance on that has changed my life. I wish that more people had a joy for life like you do. I’ve never met anyone that is just as continuously happy as you. Never stop being that way. The world needs more Kaity Ruhlands.

Dear Alli, you’re my first repeat but it’s much deserved this week. YOU”RE ENGAGED. Just let that sink in for a minute. David is one heck of a lucky guy and I couldn’t be happier for the both of you. I know that it has been a long time coming, and you’ve waited for what seems like forever for him to slide that ring (rock!) on your finger. I hope that through the past season of dating (and waiting) you’ve been able to learn things about yourself, David, and the two of you as a couple. Obviously I can’t give you any advice on this next season, but’s it’s clear to me that I’m still called to do life with you through it. Don’t go getting all bridezilla on anybody though. Nobody wants to see THAT girl haha. But seriously, I’m so excited for everything that this season of engagement will bring you. When I think about the word “engage” I think of something starting, “you engage an engine…” or having made plans. You and David have now made a plan. That ring tells the whole world that someone has set you aside for themselves, and that you have agreed to “engage” in this new adventure with him. I pray that this engagement will bless you both, but even more, I pray that this engagement will bless The Lord. And I already know that it will. You’re awesome. And we both know that David is awesome because you’d settle for nothing less. So happy for you both!

Dear Jesus, wow. You’re really incredible. Thank you for pushing on me to read “The Circle Maker”. It has forever changed the way that I pray. Sometimes in ways that are expected and sometimes it’s the most pleasant surprise. When you woke me up at 4:46am Monday morning I have to admit I was confused because I didn’t have to go to the bathroom, and I didn’t need anything to drink. What most people don’t know is that I DID have an interview in almost 8 hours. This was an interview that you knew that I was nervous about. Group interviews are by no means easy. But at 4:45 Monday morning you gently whispered to me to begin to pray for the interview. Not just for my part in it but for the company giving the interview and everyone else that was invited. That last one was a little hard to do though because you wanted me to pray for other people that were trying to get the same position as me. I did it anyway. I’m learning to put more and more trust in You, the one who will never let me walk alone. To say that I felt Your presence in that interview room would be an understatement. I had to constantly remind myself not to laugh at how things he was saying were lining up EXACTLY with things You had me pray for. Even down to specific words, servant. Yes that was the first thing that caught my attention and it took me by so much surprise that I’m afraid to admit that I may have attempted to suppress a giggle. You just amaze me with the way that You let that one word change the course of everything that I had prepared to say. And getting the phone call late last night saying that I made it to round two…wow I can’t even begin to tell you how good that feels. Not just physically but spiritually. You had given me a promise and after circling it in intense prayer all morning, and then some somewhat more stressful afternoon and evening prayer until my phone rang at 8:46 (yes try and tell me that’s not Your doing with it coming down to that exact minute), that prayer was answered. Thank you for your crazy ways of getting my attention. I’m learning to embrace them more daily. Thank you for covering every word that I said in the interview with Your love and grace. Thank you for pushing me past my fear of public speaking yesterday. Thank you for quite literally almost letting this job fall right into my lap. Thank you for giving me an unquenchable thirst for You. Thank you for being the one constant in a world where everything is changing. Thank you for surrounding me with the best family and friends that I can ask for. They are all people that I know want the best for me. Through this transition of moving only You know how important REAL relationships were for me. Thank you for them, You know them all so there’s no need to name drop here. Thank you for giving me the desires that You have, and for the desires that You haven’t allowed to be revealed yet. I love you beyond words, Jesus.

Tuesday, three weeks in and this just gets easier and easier. Thanks for being my favorite day of the week!

Tuesday...we meet again

Dear Tuesday, As I sit here in what has become “my spot” in the coffee shop, in a town that is slowly starting to feel more like home (or at least I’m starting to finally embrace it as such), I’m amazed at how after only a week I’ve grown to love you. I’ve looked forward to meeting you here for 7 days now. I’ve thought so much about what to tell you and I know that more will come the longer I type but I only have this thus far: I found out the hard way this week that I’m not allergic to bees. Can’t believe that it took me 25 years, 10 months, and 12 days to figure that out, but I’m thankful nonetheless.

Dear Laura, I’ve prayed and prayed about what to say to you this week. I’m certain that The Lord is going to do the same thing for you that He’s done for me and for so many others that have blazed the trail before us. Enjoy the last week and a half that you have in Boone. Spend as much time with the people there that love, support, and pray for you. Go out of your way to. Push yourself when you’re tired to stay up a little bit later, and then to get up a little earlier. I want you to see as much of that sweet town as possible. Take pictures, journal, just sit and soak it all in. I wish that I had done all of these things. You will never see Boone the same way once you begin your drive down to your new home on the farm. That may sound harsh but I promise you that I mean it in the best way. The season you’re about to enter is going to be the greatest one yet for you. When I first moved I heard The Lord continue to whisper “refinement” to me, and I know that this will also be a season of refinement for you. Embrace that. Embrace the occasional isolated feeling that you’ll get. Embrace the time you’re going to get to spend with your Father and your father. You have so much to learn from both of them. You’re beautiful in ways that few people are anymore. Classy. Loving. Open. Honest. Trustworthy. Pliable. I could go on and on about all of the qualities that I and so many others notice and love about you but let’s be real, it would embarrass you just as it would me if the roles were reversed haha. So I’ll stop for now and just end this by saying that I love you and that I’m glad that we get to experience this next season together.

Dear Anna, a month. That’s how long we went without sitting down to talk. A month seems like so long but for some reason when we met up yesterday it was as if no time had passed. The more we talked the more we realized that we have both changed more than we realized in the past month. I love you so much for giving me the space that I didn’t want or didn’t think that I needed to ask for The Lord’s opinion instead of using you as my safety net. I wouldn’t be where I am today without that. There is something rare about our friendship. I’ve never had a conversation with you that I didn’t feel that the Holy Spirit was leading. He’s gently led me to the most amazing realizations during and after conversations with you. I’m encouraged to “follow in your footsteps” in this new and mysterious season. Thank you for being a much needed guide to me and everyone else J. I still can’t stop thinking about those 9 beautiful kids whose lives you changed last week. They are going to be the ones that will change their classes, schools, families, the community, and eventually the world. That is your calling. Your testimony is not just limited to teenagers and adults but it can begin to transform kids of ages that you would never think to understand what you’ve been through. Keep pushing through, because you’re one of the trail blazers/guides that the rest of us need. I look up to you in a way that I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. You’re the older sister that I never got biologically. I love you friend.

Dear Abba Father, wow. You’re seriously so good. So unbelievably good to me. Provision. That’s what You keep telling me and I couldn’t ask for me. During this time of unemployment, part-time employment, and job searching you’ve been so undeservingly faithful to me. You’ve never let me go without in the 3 months of transition. You’re goodness just overwhelms me in the funniest of places. Even now I’m fighting back the tears in Starbucks. I choose to value Your plan, Your calling, and Your love over everything else. EVERYTHING. “It’s not pride to say about me what You said about me.” I need to start speaking more highly of myself. Thank you for showing me that through P. If I stay in line with Your word then everything that I speak has got to come to pass! Thank you for giving me dominion over the things that you’ve given all humanity dominion over, and thank you for the specific things that you’ve given me dominion over. Thank you for planning out every detail of my life. I’m 100% dependent on You. Without You I am powerless and weak. To put it simply, I need You. All the time, every moment of everyday. I thank You for every test of my faith. It has helped to develop my perseverance that I need to be mature and complete as You intended for me when I was created. I know that you know all the things that break my heart, I know that they broke Your heart long before I was aware. And I know that they break Your heart even more. Thank you for letting me see even a glimpse of that pain. It’s created such a hunger and desire in me. It doesn’t matter that Satan wants to destroy people that I love and that He doesn’t want the world to cry out to you. But that doesn’t matter because those people will know you and the world will all love You as I do one day, regardless of what he thinks. The devil wants children to be living on the streets, not knowing where they will sleep, what they eat or what they will have to do to survive another day. But I know that You never created too many children and not enough people to watch after them. More than that though, I realize that You never really called us to save the world, not even to save one person; that is Your job. You’ve just called us to love with abandon. And that is just what I need to remind myself whenever I struggle with a certain number on my “quit list” cough#15cough. Perfect timing yet again Jesus. Only You could line things up like You do. Thank you for Your perfect timing. I love You with everything that I am and everything that I hope to be.

Tuesday, I realize that I got a little gushy on you today. Thank you for listening anyway and thank you for always lending me your ear (or in this case the blank canvas that this letter started on). You’ll never know how much I appreciate that. Until next week. #twofingers

Dear Tuesday

So I’ve decided to take a page out of my bestie’s book and blog more. Thanks for any and all inspiration P. However I choose to write to Tuesday, the most overlooked day of the week (in my opinion). J

Dear Tuesday, I want to start by saying how amused I am right now. Sometimes I think I’m a little crazy, but who says that’s a bad thing? I’m sitting in a coffee shop and I’m wearing a top that I got in India. I wear this because a piece of my heart was left there last summer, and I wear it in hopes of returning to visit but to never bring back here with me. I hope to one day have my heart broken so many times that pieces of it are in more places and people then I can name.

Dear Mama and Daddy, I don’t even know how to thank you for all the support and prayers for the past…well I would say 25 years but I know that it started long before that and long before I was born. I love that I was raised in such a God-loving family. But even more than that I love that I was given the choice to fall in love with Him for myself. That is honestly the best gift that you could have ever given me. If more people had parents like mine the world would truly be a better place.

Dear Pangshua, your friendship has been the sweetest surprise during this season. Like you, before moving I began praying for friends to fall into place. Friends that would encourage, pray and push on me. You have without a doubt been one of those for me. Our spirits have been aligned in a way that only God could be capable of. This season is such an exciting one for you, less than 2 months to becoming Mrs. Joshua Riley!! I’m so blessed to be connected to you and to be able to learn from you. And knowing that we’re going to “do life” together is the best feeling. “PROVISION” P.S. We’ve got babies to save and love all over the world!!

Dear Alli (my nicest friend haha), as you’re winding down from this life-changing trip to Honduras I ask that you not let that fire go out. It’s so easy to fall back into your comfortable routine and only think occasionally of those lives that you’ve forever changed (I know because I’m guilty of it myself). Go into your prayer closet, worship, and thank God for that opportunity and for the next one (yes there most definitely will be more!). You are a WORLD CHANGER. You inspire me in ways that I don’t even know how to express. You are one of the most genuine people that I know. You’re such a powerful prayer warrior. How you are able to spend your days with middle school kids and still love them is beyond me. That’s some serious grace right there, a grace that few people have. Your students are lucky to have you, and I think that if more people had had middle school teachers like you they wouldn’t talk about middle school with such disgust. Keep enjoying the rest before the madness known as August comes again. You’re hilarious. I’ve yet to find another friend that I can talk, laugh, cry, and even sit in silence with as well as I can with you. Distance or time apart (3 months?!) has yet to diminish our friendship and for that I’m thankful.

Dear Jesus, Coming into this season I knew that it would be painful. A season full of stretching and growth. A season of learning. A season of solitude. All of that I expected. However what I didn’t expect was how immediate it would be. I never expected that “quitting Boone” would be a “cold-turkey” kind of thing. Even now I’m finding it difficult to write out my exact feelings (as if you don’t already know). Lonely is the best word to use and I feel selfish and like a baby for even thinking it. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m called to be greater than that, and greater than where I am now. I know that it’s just the devil telling me that I’m alone and that I’m not truly that way. My flesh wants pity but my spirit knows better. So please don’t take pity on me because I’m far from lonely. If Jacob can continue to wrestle you with a broken hip to get his blessing from You, then certainly I can hold on during my “pain”. Just being transparent J. On a different note. Everyday I’m more and more amazed at your goodness. You have such a funny way of connecting the dots of my life. Thank you for waging a war for my soul. Thank you for telling me over and over that I’m worth it. Thank you for always running to meet me where I am. Thank you for continually forgiving me for the same silly sins. Thank you for the dreams and desires that you’ve given me. Thank you for already providing for all of them. Thank you for understanding my jumbled prayers. Thank you for reminding me everyday that NOTHING that I do can separate me from Your love. Thank you pursuing me. Thank you for teaching me how to be pursued. Thank you for knowing what I need before I say it. Thank you for knowing what I need before I even know myself. Thank you for gently helping me to set aside my own dreams for those You have for me, knowing that they are greater than mine. Jesus, I’m hopelessly in love with you. You are the true love of my life.

Tuesday I will do my best to talk to you again next week. Hopefully with each passing week this will get easier and easier. I love you, Tuesday even if I’m the only one J.

Quit List

I don't know that there is a need to explain this post, however I will anyway. The following is a list of things that I have let control me. It is a list of things that I am vowing to "quit". This is a personal list but I feel the need to post it for you to read because I would love your accountability. Whether it be verbally or through prayer, it is appreciated.

Quit List

Compulsive Facebook/Twitter

Treating my body like crap

Thinking I'm above others

Hiding my "guilty" pleasures

Non-personal blogging

Waiting for others to reach out first

Doubting myself/my calling

Gossip

Pity Parties

Saying "someday

The need to be in control

Overvaluing money

Trying to impress others

Attempting to find my hubs (ouch)

Thinking I can save people who simply need the Savior 

Doubting the power of my prayers

Trying to figure out my future alone

The Changing 20s

            Well first of all, I’d love nothing more than to take full credit for this but I can’t. I found this online and it has hit the nerves of every emotion I’ve been feeling for the past 6 months. I have it saved as my desktop picture so that I’ll see it every time that I use my computer. I really hope that even some small part of it will resonate with you in someway. I’ve altered it a little bit to fit my own personal life, so as you read it try and do the same.

I am blessed with really beautiful friendships. Vivid memories of laughter, adventures, and long talks where we share our dreams and fears are sprinkled generously throughout my memory. As a highly relational person, friendships and community make me into the fullest version of myself. Without them, I struggle.

Over the last few years, my friends and I have been on quite the rollercoaster ride. After college, we have gradually all went in different directions. New cities, new jobs, new relationships-our lives have drastically changed. Within just a few months I was immobilized with fear and worry about whether or not my friendships would survive.

Though it’s been a little over a year since all of these changes started happening and our initial parting, the fear over the survival of my friendships is something I am still contending with. I shared some of this with a friend this morning, and as I complained about how my friendships were being separated and severed by distance and change, I realized that change is the very thing that defines our 20s. There is no escaping it.

We leave our parent’s homes, go off to college, get adult jobs, move across the country (or the world), get married, have children, but homes, start businesses. All more or less in one decade. Expecting friendships to stay the same when we are changing personally in huge, transformational way is completely unreasonable.

Friendships can and will change in this time of our lives. Knowing this, though, doesn’t make it more comfortable or less challenging. It is unsettling and sad when a friendship starts to pull apart at the seams and drift away. We can feel confused, wonder what we did wrong, or get angry and bitter at the seeming lack of commitment.

Despite the challenge, it is possible to maintain friendships as we change and grow, and to piece them back together from the wreckage, if that is the case. And even though it is hard, it is possible to go your separate ways with grace and kindness.

            Here are a few tips:

1.    Make the Effort

When friends move away, get new jobs, get married, have kids – all of the changes can be really overwhelming, especially if you haven’t experienced them yourself. Try to understand what life is like for them by asking lots of questions. Commit to calling them once or twice a week, and maybe set up a time that works for both of you to get together for coffee, or if you’re apart, to “hang out” on the phone or via Skype. Send thoughtful cards or goofy texts to brighten their day. If the friendship is really important to you, commit yourself to riding out the changes. Even if you aren’t going through the same thing that they are, it will be helpful to have them around when you do. If it feels like you’re the only one making the effort, see #2.

2.    Ask for and Share the Truth

If you aren’t sure why your friendships are faltering, ask your friend for an explanation. Leave room for grace. The answer may trouble you or upset you, but knowing the truth is the only way to move forward. Friendships must be built on authenticity. In the same way, if someone asks you why you have been distant, be honest. You are honoring the friendship you’ve built by sharing your concerns with them. If you both approach the situation with grace and hope, you have a better chance of working it out.

3.    Be Generous with Grace and Respect

When friends are drifting away, be sure to give them a lot of grace and respect. You are not the only one whose life is changing in big ways. We are all trying to figure out how to navigate the unknown, and we’re doing the best we can. Grace, whether it is in an argument or a period of silence, might just save your friendship in the long run. When someone is experiencing a lot of change, knowing that they are able to make mistakes, ask the hard questions in a safe place, and be respected for their decisions will make them more apt to want to be and remain your friend.

4.    Have Hope for the Future

If a friendship is fizzling our, despite your efforts, place your hope in the future. New friendships are ahead of just waiting to be discovered. To make new friends, try taking a class in a subject that you really enjoy. You’ll be around people who share your interests, and are most likely looking to meet new people.

            And you never know, you might reconnect in five, ten, twenty years, and will be grateful that the grace and authenticity you gave them all those years ago served as the kindling to restart things. Friendships await you everywhere!